2020 Taught Me a Lot
Let me clear up this, I know a lot of people see 2020 is the worst year. If 2020 is a package they will return it, but I don’t think so…
I just can make an assumption, people may feel 2019 is the best compare to 2020, but I felt the other way around. In 2019 i struggled with what I want and what reality offer, it make me confused and make big decision that sometimes I regret.
I was part of an NGO that has a big mission to bring the best thing to the world, but then I decided to end my journey. Then I resign from a Multinational company while I’m in a good position for newcomers in professional life, I was a manager and manage 6th people of different ages and country. That’s for my career path in 2019!
I can’t move on from my last ex that almost get married, turnout I questioning myself and my authenticity. I was in a different kind of relationship: I start to play dating apps again, tried Friends With Benefit (FWB) with different kinds of persons, one-night stand (ONS), and open relationships. I meet a lot of guys but have no feeling and have no dream about the future relationship. I was busy catching guys only for my self-actualization. I finally fall in love with someone, I start to trust again and let my heart feel the flash light. But it doesn’t go well for the first 4 months, he starts a relationship with me while he’s still in a relationship with someone else, then he broke up but still go for vacations with her and sleep together. That’s for my Relationship in 2019!
I was in a huge depression moment, the lowest moment in my life. I have no one to talk to, I losing trust with anyone, I pull myself from the people, and I felt empty in deep conversations. I losing direction, I tried to suicide more than 3 times. I almost jump from my 21st-floor apartment, I drunk every night before sleep (Have a lot of bottle in my fridge), I cry and sit under the shower for more than 3 hours every night, I hold my breath in the pool, and smoke more than 3 packs every day. That’s my life when no one around!
Then I decided to move my ass to Bali at the end of 2019!
The First 2 weeks is awesome and just perfect, I back on my rhythm and make friends, but I’m not fully healed.
I start 2020 and still bring a huge baggage from 2019.
My career only lasts max 6 months and then I have no desire at all.
I have a huge trust issue in my relationship and have no ability to dream again.
I losing trust in myself and losing my dream about the future, I keep trying to suicide.
I feel guilty for others if I say it but this’s what I feel.
I am blessed with the COVID-19 issues, it brings lockdown and everyone stays at home, after the hustle around the country, people finally can sit and slow down their phase.
Looking for Job is hard, so I start to fill myself with new pieces of knowledge, I start to learn how to make money with start a new business, read-listen and watch “How to start a new business”. I work as a freelancer and I learn about the skill that I have, how valuable my skill is, and how to put a value on my work.
I and my boyfriend spent a lot of time together at home, we have a good talk, tried to get to know each other again, work out our relationship, and start to have a dream again. We have a problem but we tried to figure it out and create the formula. We tried to build a new business together, plan about the future (year-by-year), and the timeline to get married.
Me and myself? I go back home, tried to be close to my roots. I collect myself again, I know where I came from, I know my own feeling and decisions that I made. Currently, I feel peace inside me, have no doubt with myself, I have hopes and faith inside me. I finally make up my mind and feel free to dream again, never second thought about myself, and able to stand with my current feeling. I am in my perfect rhythm — I am alive.
I never know what 2021 hold, but I’m sure i have no huge baggage to carry on this time.
I hope everyone who struggled and tries to figure out what happened to them will find their inner peace. I hope no more confusion in life after all the storms pass and I hope wherever you are may the peace always be with you — “Never lose the faith inside you”.
By the way I finally watched AVATAR KORRA, It was great!
