Happy Valentine’s Day: I Deserve to be Loved

Unconditional self-worth is the sense that you deserve to be alive, to be loved and cared for to take up space.

I just want to clarify: Self-worth is not the same as self-esteem.

Our self-esteem is derived from our abilities, accomplishments, social positions and things we believe and we can achieve. We can bolster our self-esteem by improving our skills or performance, and our self-esteem goes up and down depending on how we’re doing in various aspects of our lives.

In contrast, unconditional self-worth is distinct from our abilities and accomplishments. It’s not about comparing ourselves to others; it’s not something that we can have more or less of. Unconditional self-worth is the sense that you deserve to be alive, to be loved and cared for. To take up space.

Ads tell us that we need to buy things to be loved, accepted or to succeed. Our educational system teaches us that our worthiness as students is based on our grades or test scores. Our parents may have implied they’d love us more if we made the honor roll or the varsity team. Those of us who’ve experienced abuse, sexual assault and trauma may question our personhood and very right to exist. And, as social media pervades our lives, we have also begun to feel that our worthiness is based on the number of followers we have and likes we get.

Whatever the cause, for many of us our self-worth is tied to our accomplishments and possessions. As soon as we fail or lose approval, we experience low self-worth.

Unconditional self-worth is the antidote to low self-worth. It is a way out of self-criticism, shame and unhealthy behavior. It is a way out of depression, anxiety and substance abuse. It is time for us to base our worth on the fact that we are human to cultivate a worth that persists even when life does not go as we hoped.

Once upon a time, a little girl living in the village. She had a big dream, to be famous, rich, go out from the village and tell her inspiring stories.

She read a lot of book, a lot of them…

She find the outside world from the book, she’s start to think like no other in her village. One day, she deliver her opinion in front of her friends and they just leave her and think she’s a crazy dreamer and different.

She’s tried to fit in with the society but then she’s tired and choose to sit inside her room and keep reading.

But life never goes well, she spent too much time inside her room. Because her parents is a priests, they often invite people to their house and another relative. She had no privacy, she need to share her space with others. Then one day no bodies home, she go out from her room, watching TV. In the middle of the TV shows program, someone come grab her shoulder from behind and touch her from up to toe. She can’t breath, afraid and freezing.

Based on the books that she read, there’re some women has the same experience as her and then they got pregnant and depressed. She’s trying to use her power to fight and go out from the uncomfortable situation, but she’s small and weak. It’s not happened once or twice but more than five times with different kind of guy.

She’s terrified living her life, but she had no one to talk about her misery and sorrow. She keep living, go to school and make an impression. She had nothing but trauma, afraid to be alone, she always need someone beside her. She knows some guys and learn how to start a relationship. Then she knows relationship has scars, guys love to see more than one girls, they love to get attention, they love crown and love letters. She keep trying, but always end up with the same stories, they always leave her with another girls.

She pursue her future in the capital, having a great job and career, everyone love her, all her friends like when she’s around, they adore her. Some freshmen students from university always trying to invite her to their even, only just to hear some words from her mouth. She’s everyone sweetheart, but she’s lonely and terrified and no one know that.

After work, she’s going to the club and bar, having one shot, two shot and three and more and more. She go back to her apartment with different guy every night, she think this’s the only way that she’ll never feel lonely. The only way to make her feel powerful and have control of her body, because she choose to.

But when no one around, she’s just a little girl that love to lay down on the floor, reading her favorite books, she loved to listen to the goofy music while cooking and dancing with her shadow.

The girl now living in the island, she’s leaving her promising and outstanding career. She choose to find her inner peace, she’s start to build a new beginning and move on.

But her past will never leave her, the trauma never leave her. Sometimes, she punch her face, and in another night she tried to suicide. But in another peaceful morning, she tried to forgive herself and start over.

The little girl now grow up, she’s become Me.

And I know life is hard, it’s like riding a roller coster, sometimes is high, then down and sometimes it stuck in the middle and suddenly go faster.

Nothing is easy, but the dream of the little girl still live inside me and drive me to be a better me — be the best version of myself.

I know I’m weak sometimes and vulnerable most of the times. But I know how strong the real me, I can become a Woman like I am today it’s not because of I’m weak but because I’m more than strong. I woke up every morning and I’m grateful for all the experience that ever happen to me.

I deserve to be alive and to be loved.