I Once Again Falling in Love With Myself
I had a difficult time dealing with myself, I think healing from trauma will be my finish line. But I was wrong, healing is rough and lonely, it takes a lot of thinking process and evaluations. I’ve been back and forth to the same journey and guessing every move that I took, is this right or not, will I be better or worse. A lot of consideration comes when I think I’m healed.
And one night I suddenly opened my wound again, not by intention, it just hit my mind when I was lying in the bed. I was crying, can’t hold myself to think what I did wrong? Am I making the wrong decision in the last 3 years? Why Am I here? I’m a failure!
But, here is the great thing from healing; That night, when I argue with myself my own thoughts bring me to review my daily routine and good behaviour that I built lately. I’ve done so many things that the old me will not even believe it. I woke up early morning, take my dog out for a walk, meditate, yoga, exercise, clean the house, working on time, mark all my checklist, empower the team to grow more, running my own business, write what I love to write, and read what I love to read, I learn new things everyday, even taking ASL class. I tried all the learning without waiting for anyone to tell me so, I learn it because I love it.
So, what makes me sad and feel down?
Is that feeling jealous because I’m not on the path where all my friends are? Because I’ve no career path in a big corporation like other friends in? Or I’m not living with the family like I used to?. All the reasons that are supposed to make me feel down does not make sense at all. Because I’m on my way of creating the best art for myself, I was never satisfied when I was in a big company that has a big name. I feel lonelier than ever when I work under a big roof but have no one to talk or share with. I’m sad when I am trapped in one group of people that only talk about their salary, which company is the best one, or glorify the achievement without thinking about their inner self.
I want to be with people who share the same dreams, hopes and run together to achieve the same goals. I love to spend time with people who share their dreams, what they want to be and who they want to be. I love to share with people that say that they’re pursuing their dream to be a billionaire without throwing themselves into the mud. I am inspired by those who fall in love with themselves and the beauty of others. I’m becoming the best version of myself when I’m sharing what I know and having a chance to learn from others.
And, I am sure and a hundred percent sure! This is the place where I need to be. Despite how many flaws that my team has, how COVID-19 ruins our sales numbers, how shitty my neighbors are, how my dog scratches my skin just for the sake of playing, or how sunny Bali could be. But I’m the happiest person because of the worst and the good. I found joy in me during the process, and I become kind when my kindest is tested.
I am now falling in love with myself again, I now can see the beauty in me and the art of life.
I now can bravely say that I’m becoming the best version of myself. I fully understand that it’s not a fluffy fairy tale story. I still have a long way to go, I still have another level that I need to face, but I’m sure of myself — I can figure it out.
