Living My Value Under the Mental Health Disorder: Authenticity
Growing as a girl with a lot of trauma from the past is a very loneliest grown up process. I have spent hours looking into the infinite, seemingly bottomless ocean underneath me, with nothing to keep me company but my own thoughts. So I have not only tasted as an Authentic person but also as a thinking, feeling, imaginative human being.
When you’re in the middle of your high numb moment, you don’t talk, and you don’t hear very well, and your vision is restricted to what’s right in front of you or underneath you. This isolation has been my biggest gift to me.
I started to feel this way when I was 10th and now I’ve been living for almost 26 years. And so I gave over 16 years of my life to practicing how to allocate my numb moments into the best situation where I can embrace my past and design my future.
When you spend so much time talking with yourself, it ceases to be just that and become a mirror. And that shows who you really are. You see that your mettle as a survivor is not only tasted on a hard day but every single day, when the medication process demand you to get up every morning, starting a medication, gym, swim, go to work, make a friend, go back, meditate, took a medication, eat and sleep. When you get yourself back or talk and inspire other people, this mirror shows the happiness that you and your loved one feels, but also reflects the tears that you shed all by yourself, alone in the self acceptance process.
I witnessed a proud woman inside me. While delivering a speech in front of hundred young people, move from one city to another city, telling the stories while doing my Job. This time in a relay with myself, not knowing that I was creating a history of other survivors in their life. And 2 years ago i jump to a miserable depression and caused me commmited suicide, alone in my room, stare at the city light with no one beside me, cold air and empty room. Someone inside me with a kind heart and humble said don’t do it, you will break their heart, the people who keep living because of your story, and from then i saw a fighter in me.
When i jumped into the new relationship, I realized that I had prepared my body and mind for the healthy relationship techniques, but what I wasn’t prepared for was the worst inside the relationship. Every stroke felt like pulling through oil. And in the first 3 months, I had that paralyzing thought of just giving up.How nice it would be to just forget about all this, get on with the new relationship, stand underneath the hot shower or wrap myself in a warm blanket in my own room? But with thought, also came a stronger, a more willful voice from deep within. “You know you have it in you to just take one more try.” So I lifted my arm and took a try. “Now one more.” So I took a second step and a third step. By the fourth one, I saw our relationship start to bloom and grow. He came up to my right and held my hand and started to walk with me. “See? There’s progress in every move,” said that voice within.
I looked up to my friends. They had the same smile on their faces that I had on mine. The same smile that we all have when we are stuck in a difficult situation and we see a ray of hope. We take it as a sign from destiny, and we just keep pushing forward. Just as I did, and just after we hold hands and walk together, we start to set our future, for the first time I am brave enough to have a commitment with somebody.
That voice, which has accompanied me through all my difficult situations throughout my journey, would have never shown itself if I had not spent so much time alone, had not paid attention to every single thought that crossed my mind. When you find yourself alone, with your thoughts, the dangers that you face are not just external, like someone sneaking up to your room, snakes, or even demotivating people.
But the more dangerous demons you face are the fear and negativity inside you that tell you, “You’re not good enough. You will never reach the other side. You haven’t heal enough. What if you fail? What will people think? I’m sure everybody is thinking right now how slow you are.” We all have our own internal demons, don’t we? In a day-today life, you can hide from them, behind your work or many other distractions. But like I said, in the middle of your empty room, there is nowhere to hide. I have to face my internal demons, just as much as I have to taste the loneliness in the middle of my numb moment, feel alone in my room, and acknowledge I only have me with me. I hate it but i love it.
I hate it because this situation shows me the side of myself that I don’t want to believe exists. The side of me that is human and not perfect. Like the part of me that can’t get out of bed in the morning and make it to practice. The side of me that gets so burned out, so tired, that just wants to quit life. But I also love it, because this situation has given me moments that I can look back on when I feel unmotivated. And they bring me to my knees, because I feel so grateful.
Many of you may not spend hours alone dealing with mental illness non-stop. But who do you spend the most amount of your time with? You may share your external space with many others, but there is one constant companion that you all have: you. And yet, most of us may never come to knowing who we really are. I’m a daughter, an Indonesian, a business woman, and a girlfriend. But I am so much more. If you are not investing in yourself, not setting a path that brings you closer to you, no amount of “success” in life can bring you lasting joy or satisfaction.
Even today, when I can’t find motivation or joy in what I’m doing, all I ask myself is, “Is this the best I can do right now?” And the meaning of my “best” changes. On some days, it means not giving up, continuing to do my business in freezing air and setting a new record. But on many other days, it means getting over my depressing thoughts, stepping out of the house and being able to do the daily chores. What does not change is that voice within. That internal compass which guides me to a better self every day. And I believe that a truly successful life is the one which is spent in the pursuit of becoming the best possible version of yourself when you take that last breath.
